Across the board: what it means to send your child to boarding school in the UK

Such anxieties are familiar to Stephanie Cheah, who advises Malaysian families on British education. The founder of Waypoints and the British Education and Schools Show in Asia (BESSA) says parents often worry about how sending their children abroad might affect their relationship.

“They’re worried that they’re going to lose their relationship with their child,” she says. “They’re worried that perhaps the child might feel abandoned or think that they’re being sent away.”

“They’re also concerned about their well-being and safety,” she adds. “Whether the pastoral care that they’ve learned about or that they’ve heard about from the school on tours or in the brochure will actually be as good as they say in real life.”

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Beyond academic considerations, these are among the concerns families must weigh when considering boarding school, and which BESSA offers an opportunity to explore the options and better understand what the experience entails.

Ahead of its upcoming editions in Singapore (Oct 31) and Malaysia (Nov 1), Soraya, Tiernan and Cheah share their experiences of boarding school, from the first goodbye to the gradual process of finding independence while staying close as a family.

While initially drawn to the appeal of boarding school through Enid Blyton’s books, Soraya quickly learnt that they romanticised the experience when she eventually settled in at Sherborne Girls School.

“Despite my eagerness, there was a settling period to overcome,” she recalls. “Challenges included getting used to ‘British food’—without a serving of roti canai in sight—stricter rules, as a 9PM bedtime was unheard of at home, and cross-country running in the freezing cold was not particularly pleasant.”

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“The hardest adjustment to boarding life was probably integrating with the daily routines and making the most of available free time,” Tiernan chimes in on getting to grips with unfamiliar routines at Harrow, which resembles that of his mother’s experience.

Harrow sets aside 7.30PM to 9PM for ‘prep time’, during which pupils complete their schoolwork, followed by the conventional ‘chill time’ from 9PM to 10PM. Both were adjustments for Tiernan, who was accustomed to a different routine at home.

Not to mention, the winter slump—particularly between the months of December and January during the second term—that’s become synonymous with boarding schools in the UK.

“The settling-in process can appear to be on track, and then all of a sudden, the children get homesick after a few months, and the parents are caught off guard because they thought everything was going well,” Cheah observes.

Recognising that adjustment can take time helps parents respond with patience rather than alarm. Homesickness need not mean that a child is unsuited to boarding school; it can simply be part of learning to navigate a new environment.

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“During the initial days, I had to grasp the best places to take a break between lessons, and manage my movements between afternoon commitments,” Tiernan shares. “It’s these ‘mini routines’ during a busy day which I think can make a huge difference to your everyday capacity.”

He admits that independence at Harrow can be a contentious topic, given how packed the schedule is. However, entering the sixth form gave him a greater sense of control over how he spent his time.

“I remember feeling as though I had more agency when it came to time management,” he says. “In my newly acquired study periods, I could choose whether to use the Year 12 kitchen to cook up a quick snack, or make a start on my growing pile of homework—I often opted for the former!”

How do you know if your child is ready for boarding school?

A child’s readiness for boarding school is not necessarily determined by age alone. Parents should consider whether they can manage routines with less supervision, how they respond to time away from home, and whether they enjoy being part of a busy community.

“If they’ve spent a short trip away from home before, for example, how did they handle that?” Cheah asks. “Additionally, boarding school gets very busy, but do they enjoy being part of a busy community—the kind of place that they like to thrive in while living with other people?”

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For families who are still weighing up their options, summer camps at UK boarding schools can offer a useful first taste of life away from home.

“That’s a really good way to spend a couple of weeks in the summer away from home to see if they like it,” Cheah says.

She also recommends visiting prospective schools with children, as their reactions can offer valuable clues about whether they might feel comfortable there.

“You can see if the school makes them excited; if they seem comfortable as they walk the school grounds, and engage with the other students and the staff,” she says.

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Ultimately, Cheah emphasises the importance of involving children in the decision-making process early, giving them the opportunity to understand what lies ahead and ensuring that the decision does not feel imposed upon them.

Drawing on her own experience as a parent, she recalls how she and her three children began the process a few years in advance, visiting different schools and meeting house parents.

“It’s not a last-minute afterthought, and it doesn’t feel like this is something done to them, but that they’re part of the whole process,” Cheah advises.

“They do not need to be completely fearless about going to boarding school, but they do need to feel some sense of curiosity that this could be an exciting thing to do, and they also need to feel some sense of ownership about making the decision,” she adds.

Compared with day schools, the residential experience at boarding school can help students develop skills that are harder to quantify, but which will serve them long after they leave.

“Boarding school has definitely shaped my life in ways that I do not believe would have happened if I had remained at home,” Soraya recalls. “Sherborne gave me the structure and consistency to pursue and focus on my academics alongside all the other things I loved during my teenage years—in particular music and sports—whilst being surrounded by friends.”

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For Tiernan, some of the most valuable lessons have come through the everyday experience of living alongside others, where friendships are shaped as much by ordinary moments as by memorable milestones.

During his first two years at Harrow, pupils share a room with another boy in their year group—a prospect Tiernan considers “quite a good deal compared to other boarding schools in the UK, where you must put up with four or more others for up to three years”.

“I enjoyed having a roommate, as they were always available for a late-night chat or help with your prep,” he reflects. “Naturally, there were quarrels after being boxed in with them for upwards of three weeks, but managing relationships in the boarding house—particularly when you’re with other people 24 hours a day—really helped me mature socially.”

Soraya has similarly watched Tiernan grow in confidence and independence at Harrow. Alongside his academic achievements, he has embraced opportunities that have encouraged him to explore new interests and become more willing to step outside his comfort zone.

“I became very adaptable and open to new experiences, learnt to be resilient and independent and generally have a broader mindset, and I’m proud to see that Sean has taken full advantage of all the opportunities available to him to maximise his time in Harrow,” she beams.

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Life at Harrow is often full-on, and even what passes for free time can involve activities such as Harrow football, “the school’s unique mixture of rugby, football and a lot of mud”, as he describes it. “Whether you’re up for it or not, you must get on that pitch and do the best for your house!”

At the time of the interview, the sixth-former was also preparing to represent the Harrow Cadet Forces in welcoming the Duke of Edinburgh during a royal visit to the school.

“This is a daunting task to me, but the knowledge that my schoolmates and I need to collectively perform takes pressure off the individual and makes it easier to give my best,” he says.

What can boarding school teach your child beyond academics?

These experiences are among the reasons families should look beyond academic results and a school’s reputation when weighing their options.

Cheah encourages parents to consider how boarding education differs from day schooling, particularly in the opportunities it offers for children to develop skills that extend beyond the academic curriculum.

Boarding schools, she explains, often provide activities that complement the examination syllabus and help prepare students for university. These may include talks by visiting speakers, clubs and societies that allow pupils to explore their interests in greater depth, as well as academic competitions and Olympiads.

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Besides that, the residential environment also creates opportunities for pupils to develop interpersonal skills through everyday interactions.

Whether that means sharing a room with someone whose habits differ from your own or taking on greater responsibility within a school society, these are lessons that may not be immediately apparent on a report card, but become part of the way a young person approaches relationships and unfamiliar situations.

“A lot of the things that you learn in boarding school are often not really tangible until after they’ve left school,” she says. “Being independent and resilient, and being able to speak and handle themselves well in situations, to think on their feet—these are all things that a boarding student learns much quicker and also more intensely than a day student.”

The distance between Southeast Asia and the UK inevitably changes the texture of family life. Everyday moments become less frequent, and the time spent together during school breaks takes on a different significance.

For Tiernan, the limited time he spends with his family has made their reunions more meaningful, where “every return trip to Malaysia is all the more special,” he says. “I actively appreciate the limited time with them instead of letting their presence blend into everyday life.”

“Having time with my family restricted has definitely changed how I view their place in my life, and in a way it’s a blessing,” he adds.

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For the doting mother, on the other hand, she has found that separation need not mean a weakening of their relationship, nor one that is less parental. Rather, it can shift from the supervision of everyday parental ‘nagging’ towards conversations built on trust, advice and mutual respect.

“Despite Sean being at boarding school, we remain close—partly as I still maintain a motherly role in supporting him with what he needs,” Soraya chides. “But also, I am lucky in that he still values my advice and guidance when he needs it.”

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“I have always tried to guide my son to make his own decisions through discussions and listening to his reasoning if his view differs from mine—although I must admit this is sometimes hard to do,” she admits. “To a certain extent boarding school has prevented me from being able to assist Sean in his day-to-day challenges—by virtue of my absence I believe that he has simply learned to navigate issues himself.”

“As a parent, the instinct to protect your child never leaves you,” she continues. “However, I can see that my role as a mother has evolved from one of protection when Sean was a young child, to one of guidance and advice as he becomes a young adult.”

How can parents and children navigate their time apart?

While parents may initially fear that physical distance will create emotional distance, Cheah assures that the reality can be quite different.

“One of the misconceptions is that the child might lose or drift away from their relationship with their parents,” she says. “When some of the mundane day-to-day routines are taken out of the equation, I would argue that many parents find that it doesn’t necessarily weaken the relationship, but in fact improves it.”

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She also adds that boarding-school calendars offer opportunities for families to reunite throughout the school year more often than expected. In the UK, shorter exeat weekends and half-term breaks punctuate the term, alongside longer holidays.

While travelling from Southeast Asia for every break may not be practical, Cheah notes that families can still plan visits around the school calendar, and children may spend shorter breaks with friends when appropriate.

Finally, Cheah recommends establishing a good communication rhythm before the children leave for school. With her three children currently attending boarding school, she set up a group chat for daily check-ins and agreed on a time to speak over the weekend.

“This is so the child knows they could reach out to us anytime that they felt that they needed to chat,” she says. “Likewise, we can also send them a text and let them know what we, as parents, were up to.”

Maintaining that connection is a two-way process: parents need to give their children room to become independent, while making communication a reassuring part of family life, rather than something that happens only when a problem arises.

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Find out more about UK boarding school options at the upcoming British Education and Schools Show in Asia (BESSA), taking place at Shangri-La Hotel, Singapore, on October 31, and Shangri-La Hotel, Kuala Lumpur, on November 1.

Admission is free, but advance registration is recommended at tinyurl.com/bessamy2026

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