Is there a ‘loneliness epidemic’? Here’s the value of community and ‘third places’ in Manila

There’s plenty to blame for the so-called loneliness epidemic, but Palm Tree Abbey co-founder Marla Darwin first points to the city’s cold, unfeeling infrastructure. She explains that the lack of thoughtful urban planning, walkable streets, green spaces and communal areas breed disconnection.

“I do believe that we’re going through a loneliness epidemic. Metro Manila tends to disregard the ‘human scale’ with its infrastructure. You’d have to brave through gridlock traffic to see people, and there are few free places to have fun. In turn, that has made us retreat indoors and reserve our limited time for rest,” she says.

Darwin asserts that a healthy society thrives when people can see their friends and family with ease. “This allows us to develop solidarity. A little place like Palm Tree Abbey can’t solve these infrastructure issues, and we’re still a business at the end of the day. But what we can do is be a social space that offers a possibility to hang out with those dearest to you, to make new friends or even the possibility to enjoy your own company.”

More from Tatler: Palm Tree Abbey

Noname’s Echo Bueno and Chili Perez are no strangers to loneliness; in fact, their collective was born out of it. “We saw our old haunts close down, and whatever communities we had pre-pandemic were significantly transformed because of the nature of time and life,” says Perez.  

Having just started living alone, Bueno shares that he has had his fair share of quiet confrontations with solitude. “There would be moments where loneliness doesn’t come in obvious shapes and forms. It might be realising you have been only making dinner for yourself, or a bottle of wine that stayed overnight in the fridge just tasted better last night when I had company around,” he discloses. 

See also: How Noname builds a community with music, wine, and good company

Both Bueno and Perez assert that forming a community through Noname was integral in overcoming alienation and its emotional toll. “It allowed us regular excuses to hang out with friends and to meet new people. Especially like-minded people who shared the same interests or curiosities. For us, that was a game-changer,” Bueno asserts, noting that for him, loneliness didn’t always mean being physically alone; it’s being in a room full of people and still feeling disconnected.

“That’s why we built Noname the way we did. We wanted it to feel like that sandbox in the playground, where you could play side by side with other kids you’ve only met a couple of minutes ago, playing until you made a friend or not. Casual, warm and fun was the secret. Noname was our antidote to that.”

DJ Jenil of Caffeine Club PH shares that he has trouble displaying signs of sadness because his feelings are often misconstrued due to the very nature of his job. His club, which organises ‘coffee raves’ in the Philippines, gathers early birds and allows them to have dance parties with coffee instead of alcohol. 

“Many assume I’m constantly surrounded by others, so loneliness seems unlikely. But I’ve played in festivals with 10,000 people and still felt empty after,” he says. 

The disc jockey underscores that when it comes to meeting new people, it is important to have a diverse range of ‘safe spaces’. “Our events are safe spaces. The lights are on and not dimmed. There’s no alcohol, no one stumbling around drunk, no weird pressure to act a certain way,” he says. 

“Most cafés we work with don’t even serve alcohol. It’s clean, it’s open and it feels safe, especially for people who’ve never felt like they belonged in the club scene.”

Related: Connections in the Modern Age: ‘How to lose a girl in 10 days’

Real communities, the ones built beyond scrolling feeds, quick chats and ‘likes’, demand a price. Often it’s time and effort, often it’s ill feelings and most of the time it’s thinking about what you owe other people.

Western psychology, insofar as it is interpreted in the modern world, has long prioritised the individual’s need for self-enhancement and preservation. Its approach has been so thoroughly adopted that the desire to protect oneself from discomfort and contempt from others outweighs the willingness to endure those challenges in order to build more meaningful relationships. 

For Darwin, the most profound sacrifice involved in the pursuit of belonging is “friction”. She argues that communities will inevitably consist of individuals who differ from one another and are therefore bound to cause each other some inconvenience at times.

“This is a good thing,” she says. “Because this is how we learn how to co-exist.” Darwin adds that there is something very human about getting in touch with one another. 

“Communities allow us to learn how to dialogue, communicate our needs and think as a collective. A life that’s always smooth and comfortable is overrated.” 

Bueno and Perez, for their part, say time, energy, and ego are essential for community. The Noname co-founders reference Unreasonable Hospitality by Will Guidara. “It tells the magic that happens when you give a bit more than what people expect,” they share. 

“A real community asks something of you, it asks you to show up, to listen more than you talk, to share a real part of yourself with others and to care about people even when it can be inconvenient.” 

The duo believe that patience is required in forging deeper bonds, as it usually does not happen overnight. “The biggest learning for us is that you don’t always get something back right away. But when you give those things freely, the return is exponential. Love always comes back around.”

Immersing oneself in a third place, wherever it may be, and regardless of the sacrifices required, serves as a powerful reminder of our shared humanity. For a fortunate few with time to spare, simply making space for these moments becomes an act of resistance against corporate demands. 

“We are more than our jobs and responsibilities. We are more than cogs in capitalist machines. When we don’t engage in activities that make us feel human again, then what is it exactly we are working for?” Dawin asks.

Bueno and Perez, on the other hand, say that for third places to thrive, there must be a recognition of something greater than ‘the self’. 

“Third places remind you that the world is bigger and beyond you. Sometimes we feel so alone because we spend so much time either in our heads or in spaces where we have huge roles to play. Sometimes, you just need to be in a room where you can be silly again, ask strange questions or cry over a movie without needing to explain yourself,” the duo shares. 

The benefit of kinship hardly manifests as something tangible, and most of the time, it is in the presence of others that we feel the cruelest of emotions. But there is nothing more absolute than this: the world is too big of a hell for one, and when the times call for kindness, there is always a chance you’ll find it if you just show up. 

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