IVF, queer parenthood in Hong Kong and more: How May Chow and Joya are preparing for motherhood

How do you feel about welcoming a child as a queer couple in Hong Kong?
Chow: We are fortunate because we have built an amazing community bubble where we’re loved and accepted. In moments of potential ignorance, we [reassure ourselves that] we are more loved than misunderstood, which allows us to have the patience to share optimistically. Hopefully, this won’t change when I’m lacking sleep and completely exhausted. 

But we also had to learn to build a legal protection bubble. A number of same-sex marriages and same sex rights are not currently legalised in Hong Kong. So, we had to integrate estate planning, wills, adoption and think about how we need to protect our family from a legal standpoint.

Luckily, we are not the “firsts”, so we can model from others who have done so successfully. I think we try to learn and share as much as we can. I don’t want our family and peers to be afraid to ask us questions. 

Chan: I honestly feel very lucky. It’s a privilege for us to expect a child in a place where IVF is accessible for same-sex couples. I’m also really proud of May. Throughout her life, she has defied expectations and continues to do so in carrying the baby, as an active business owner. We often laugh: “If Rihanna did the Super Bowl, being as pregnant and fabulous as she did, so can we”. 

I know some people are opposed to us, a queer couple, having a child, and while I’m okay with disagreement, I do sometimes worry what that will be like for our child. Discrimination has an ugly head. However, I hope that this child will grow to have a strong sense of self, safety and self-worth—and with that be able to thrive in the face of a world where they may be a minority.

What advice you would give to other queer couples in Hong Kong who are considering parenthood?
Chan: Start the conversation early in the relationship, where possible. There’s a lot to discuss from whether you want children at all, whether IVF makes sense, to go for known or unknown sperm donor, where you’ll have the procedure done, the time you’ll need to do the procedure—from injections to the extraction to the implantation, many blood tests, and potentially tough conversations about the worse-case scenarios for which you will need legal documents drafted up, especially for protections that aren’t assumed as a same-sex couple. 

Practically, consider freezing your eggs in an embryo form if it’s an option! It’s a lot more stable. 

Chow: It’s interesting for me because beyond queer couples, I generally give—as Jodie tells me—“unwarranted advice” to young women to learn about this early. As an LGBTQ+ couple, we are constantly only given outside-the-box options, so sometimes tradition cannot be followed anyway, which sometimes allows us to have unique insights and experiences. But for LGBTQ+ couples specifically, I would suggest joining the Rainbow Family on Facebook. Many great people will share their insights, both locally and internationally, with you. It took us almost three years from reaching out to a fertility clinic to today (I am officially 40!). So, before deciding if you want to carry a child or not, it’s better to get all the information first. There are just too many things to think about, from insurance to legal issues and fertility options. 

How do you envision this motherhood journey as public figures?
Chow: I think we both always knew that the love we share is really rare. So, living it publicly is a way to give back and to share hope. That being said, we know this journey through parenting will be out of our control, no matter how thoughtful or careful we are. Living through a potential health scare or else in the public eye might be scary. But we’ve aligned to make decisions and take it day by day, and we choose to be brave and open as we feel that we will always learn along the way and receive as we go. 

You might also like: New record labels, redefining parties and gender-defying lyrics: Meet three women challenging the status quo in the Hong Kong music scene

Chan: We’re first-time parents. Throughout this process, we have great role models but have also developed greater empathy for all parents. For the most part, people closer to us have been kind enough to offer advice at the right times, but wow, it’s like a whole world in which everyone has an opinion!

We’ve now been able to adjust and even have a laugh about it, and take with us helpful advice too, but it has been an interesting experience. I imagine because we’re public, people we’ve never met may have opinions of us. We have talked about how much we want to share, and we appreciate a good balance of privacy but also visibility, being aware that representation is also very important. Maybe one day, people won’t blink an eye—but until that day, we envision that we will do our best to protect our child and figure out the rest along the way.

What resources did you find useful during this journey?

• Books and YouTube videos helped us understand IVF adults who came from same-sex couples
• Local LGBTQ+ charity Alongside, which helped us navigate legal protection for us as a same-sex couple in Hong Kong
• Local LGBTQ+ charity Rainbow Family and its Facebook group for community insights
• AI has actually been very helpful in finding resources, citing sources and just generally sorting through the old wives’ tales versus data-backed practices. It also gave us so much specific information at every stage, from the prenatal to the current process, so we don’t always have to call doctors and specialists, which is very calming
• Fertility IQ is amazing as an online platform for reviewing doctors
• The whole process requires a lot of financial resources, which for us we know it’s a privilege that we can do, but it can be disheartening for some who don’t have these resources
• Counselling
• Level-headed, amazing family and friends and support

And a special mention to Rihanna, who showed us what’s possible while being pregnant. 

READ MORE

Inside Hong Kong queer collective Möth Agency’s quest to launch safe party spaces

How Asian artists BB Sway, SuperKnova and Jake Zyrus are reclaiming narratives and tackling transphobia through music

The best breakfast spots in Hong Kong, according to chef May Chow