Cover Sensory overload is when the nervous system receives more input than it can process at once (Photo: Getty Images)
Sensory overload is when the nervous system receives more input than it can process at once (Photo: Getty Images)
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Someone who falls silent, turns sharp or slips out of a gathering is easily taken to be bored or unkind. As a sexologist with neurodivergent lived experience, I explain why the body of an overwhelmed person can behave in ways that look like rejection
Imagine you’re on a date at a new, buzzing restaurant. The room is electric with overlapping conversations, clinking glasses, and bright lighting. Suddenly, your date becomes unusually quiet, avoids eye contact, gives short answers, and abruptly leaves to get some air.
To an outside observer, this behaviour can be easily misunderstood as rudeness, emotional withdrawal, or personal rejection. However, through a neurodivergent-affirming lens, these actions are rarely about relationship dissatisfaction. Instead, they can be protective responses to sensory overload.
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The personal reality: from Soho House to TEDx
Before I was diagnosed attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), I spent a year curating events for Soho House. Attention to detail was incredibly important: dim lighting, candles, and soft music. Little did I know at the time, I was creating a sensory and psychologically safe environment to protect my own nervous system and create a safe space for others.
Even today, with greater awareness of my neurotype, navigating intense sensory environments remains a balancing act. Recently, I attended a TEDx event. Although it was motivating to reconnect with many incredible people after taking time away postpartum, the sheer volume of guests and echo of noise began to trigger sensory overload. I respect that the organisers provided a designated quiet room but by the end of the day I was still mentally exhausted.
When we miss sensory signals from our nervous system, that sensory exhaustion follows us through the front door and straight into our personal relationships.
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The neuroscience: nervous system regulation and emotional dysregulation
Sensory overload occurs when the brain receives more environmental input from sounds, lights and textures than our executive functioning can process at once. Autistic people often show a varied response to sensory input, which researchers describe as a low or high neurological threshold. A low threshold is linked to hypersensitivity, in which everyday stimuli such as harsh lighting and loud sounds can feel overwhelming. A high threshold is linked to hyposensitivity, in which a person may actively seek more intense sensory experiences to regulate.
ADHD also drives sensory sensitivity. Research links ADHD traits directly to heightened sensitivity toward everyday sights and sounds, making environmental noise difficult to screen out. Given that 50 to 70 per cent of Autistic individuals can also meet the criteria for ADHD, these neurodivergent sensory profiles can influence one another.
Above Individuals have different levels of sensory capacity. Hyposensitivity, or a high threshold, can lead a person to actively seek more input (Photo: Getty Images)
Individuals have different levels of sensory capacity. Hyposensitivity, or a high threshold, can lead a person to actively seek more input (Photo: Getty Images)
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When sensory capacity is exceeded, sensory overload sparks emotional dysregulation. Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges offers one way to explain the reactions. Especially when sensory overwhelm is detected, the nervous system shifts out of the “social engagement system” and drops into a protective fight-or-flight or freeze state. In everyday romantic dynamics, this physiological shift could look like this:
- The “fight” response: outward irritability, sharp tones, low frustration tolerance, or sudden impatience.
- The "flight/freeze" response: emotional shutdown, short answers, or an urgent compulsion to retreat and isolate.
While every neurodivergent person navigates sensory sensitivities differently, it’s important to view these responses as neurobiological rather than personal choices. This perspective is particularly important when examining how sensory overload can impact physical intimacy.
How sensory overload impacts intimacy
Above Romantic relationships can be overwhelming for neurodivergent individuals who have a low threshold for sensory input, because physical closeness brings touch, eye contact, temperature changes and sound all at once (Photo: Getty Images)
Romantic relationships can be overwhelming for neurodivergent individuals who have a low threshold for sensory input, because physical closeness brings touch, eye contact, temperature changes and sound all at once (Photo: Getty Images)
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Sensory overload doesn't stop at social events; it can significantly impact romantic intimacy. Physical closeness requires a high degree of sensory input including touch, eye contact, temperature changes, and auditory stimuli. By identifying sensory preferences, partners can co-create a comfortable, safe environment for physical expressions of affection, ensuring intimacy is authentic and enjoyable for both partners rather than performative.
Reframing the tension: moving from conflict to co-regulation
Establishing emotional check-ins creates a safe space to identify and communicate specific sensory stressors before they lead to discomfort and misunderstanding. When we learn to distinguish between personal rejection and sensory overload, the relational dynamic can change completely.
To help guide your emotional check-ins, here are three actionable scripts designed to foster mutual understanding and honour agency for both partners in a relationship:
- For the neurodivergent partner (to communicate needs and retain agency): “When I experience sensory overload, I need space to regulate. It isn’t a reflection of my feelings for you. What signal can we agree on so I can step away before reaching my limit?”
- For the non-neurodivergent parrtner (to offer support while respecting agency): “I want to support you when you’re overwhelmed. Would you like it if I offered a quiet environment, or gave you uninterrupted space to recalibrate?”
- For both partners (to co-create a sensory-safe relationship): “How can we design our shared spaces and social routines so they honour your sensory preferences while keeping us both feeling present and connected?”
Sensory overload is a physiological reality, not a personal choice or an attitude. Because our sensory thresholds and preferences naturally evolve throughout adulthood, making space for regular check-ins allows partners to adapt together. Practicing regular check-ins honours this evolution, creating the nervous system safety required for long-term, authentic intimacy.
Mary Foxworth is the founder of Foxworth Institute, delivering research-backed education for human connection across all age groups and neurotypes. A Board-Certified Sexologist holding degrees in law, criminology, and political science, she combines multidisciplinary expertise with neurodivergent lived experience to design resources that protect, empower, and connect.
