Confidence helps create a safe space for everyone, just ask etiquette expert Sara Jane Ho

“It’s funny, people today are so focused on being your ‘authentic’ self,” Ho says. ”And to that, I say yes, but be your authentic self within context. Your authentic self at work is different from your authentic self with your family.

“You need to ask yourself what your authentic self is in the context of work, or friends. In my book, Mind Your Manners: How to Be Your Best Self in Any Situation, I talk about how, as an etiquette expert, I see myself as a micro-cultural anthropologist. Anthropology is a study of human behaviours.”

“In just one day, we all move through many different micro-cultures, whether it’s our family, work, or even different departments in the same office,” Ho adds. “The accounting side are quieter and conservative and advertising is loud and rowdy, for example. Different groups of friends can also be seen as different micro-cultures.

“Every time I enter a new micro-culture, the first thing I do is observe and think, ‘What are the codes of conduct here? What is the slang used? How are people dressed? What is the volume of their voice?’ And I adjust myself ever so slightly.

‘So I’m not losing my authentic self at all. I’m just adjusting myself so that people feel comfortable around me, which makes me feel comfortable around them. That is actually what takes us back to what humans need, which is community and inclusion.” 

But making others feel welcome and accepted should not come at the expense of your own well-being, as Ho learnt the hard way.

Learning to draw boundaries, identify red flags in a relationship and say “no” gracefully are just some seldom-discussed but incredibly useful aspects of etiquette.  

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“2015 was when I got out of an abusive relationship,” Ho says candidly, admitting that this is the first time she has spoken about it openly. “Abuse doesn’t have to be physical to be abuse because there’s emotional, psychological, or verbal abuse. He was someone who was part of my life for a long time, and we had a lot of overlapping school friends. 

“I didn’t really see that side of him until we moved in together because the relationship progressed very quickly. Abusive men are very charming and extremely good at hiding their aggression, such that they seem like the perfect guy in front of the rest of the world.

“He had a drinking problem, and when he drank, he would break stuff in the house. He was a really big, six-foot guy, and it was very, very scary. Only later, after going through a whole ordeal of breaking up with him, did I find out that one of his former girlfriends in Hong Kong—a girl whom I had met before—actually ended up in hospital because he hit her.” 

All this turmoil behind the scenes affected Ho significantly while she was in the midst of expanding her etiquette school. It was around this point that she started making time for therapy and reading everything she could about abusive partners.

“Because of that, I was so finely tuned to this issue. My radar was so sensitive that whenever any of my students or friends were in situations where there were pink or red flags, I was immediately like, ‘Whoa, this is not okay’,” she adds, recounting the story of a former student in Shanghai whose husband would drive her two hours from their hometown outside Shanghai to Ho’s etiquette training sessions, wait six hours, and then pick her up from the school’s entrance to drive her straight home. On other occasions, the student’s husband would insist on checking her packed luggage the night before she would go on a trip and ask why she packed a certain set of heels or moisturiser. 

“It was the first day of class. I had just met her, and I didn’t want to use the word ‘abuse’ in front of everybody,” Ho says. “But while the other students exclaimed about how loving and devoted her husband was, I said to her, ‘I’m not sure that’s the healthiest way of showing love.”

Ho’s ability to listen and get people to open up to her did not develop overnight, she says. Various students and clients come to her with a gamut of different needs and backgrounds, from women who have just been through a messy divorce and want to restore their confidence, to newly-wed women learning how to be better wives to their husbands.

Dismissing the idea that etiquette is restrictive, Ho says it can be an incredibly enabling tool, especially for women.

“Women are generally more sensitive and empathetic than men. Most of it really depends on your upbringing, what role models you had, what your parents were like as role models,” she says. “But women just biologically are more attuned to taking care of people. Women tend to put others first before themselves. That’s why I think the modern-day woman has it really tough.” 

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“Because back then, women were just supposed to care for people. Even just 50 years ago, women in America couldn’t own their own bank accounts. Today, we’ve been emancipated; we have careers. We take care of the home. At the same time, we still have to look good, work out, take care of the kids—all those things. Obviously, things are changing and we’re going in a better direction, but it’s a lot of pressure and expectation.” 

Ultimately, Ho sees etiquette as a tool to navigate these modern complexities, teaching women to speak their minds with tact, gain the confidence to network, end a conversation gracefully, and build bridges with people to escape the loneliness and isolation that so many people feel today in a world that’s more digitally connected than ever.   

“There’s research that shows we live longer when we have meaningful relationships and community. I see etiquette as a way to promote individual growth and confidence. I see it almost as the utmost form of wellness, a way for women to move confidently through the world,” adds Ho, who credits her parents as her earliest examples in breaking the ice with people and treating them with kindness and respect.   

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“One of the lowest points of my life was when my mum passed away when I was 21. My mother was an incredible role model for me–an incredible hostess. She would create really magical moments in our home between people who were meeting for the first time. She knew how to create a community. 

“And one thing my dad taught me was to treat everybody with the same amount of kindness and respect, no matter who they are. For him, whether he was speaking to the cleaning lady at his office or to Margaret Thatcher, whom he actually met on a number of occasions, he would treat them with the same kindness.”  

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