I have worked with many men who, behind closed therapy doors, tell me they feel incredibly lonely and empty, irrespective of how much money they make or how much sex they are or aren’t having. But I have yet to meet a male client who asks whether he can work the kind of intense hours Vanessa did and still have a life partner. Even so, men, too, must make trade-offs if they are looking to meet someone. Nobody, regardless of gender, has a close partnership with someone without consistent time, energy, and presence.

‘Now, which part of you wants a husband?’ I asked.

‘The part of me that does is the part that wants to be loved and give someone love. It’s the part that dreams. It’s the part of me that wants to be warm at night,’ Vanessa said, the tears once again streaming down her face.

She was melting.

‘I will tell you something I’ve never told anyone,’ Vanessa continued, ‘When I got back from that trip to the Maldives, for about a month, I spent endless hours watching homoerotic Japanese anime porn. I have no explanation for that other than I couldn’t watch any movies about men and women falling in love. I think that watching two men together was distant enough from what I want yet close enough to a love story that I wanted to see it. My work started to suffer as I would go in the next day, after four or five hours of watching, very tired. That stopped me in my tracks. Again, I can’t believe I just said this aloud.’

I could see from her face she had shocked herself by sharing this.

‘I’m glad you did say it aloud,’ I said. ‘The tears in the Maldives and the Japanese anime porn all seem consistent with what I think I’m hearing. I’m definitely hearing that work is very important to you, and it seems like you excel massively in that space. It also sounds like you want to finally do something about this yearning you have for a life partner, as in take clearer action.’

I purposely used the word ‘action’, even if only to send her a message, subconsciously, that she is more than worthy of love. And although connecting with a partner is more than just taking action, there is often a consistent investment that needs to be made in what matters most to us. It’s not the worthiness alone that gets us there or anywhere.

‘Yeah. I think you’re right. Yeah, you’re right. I do want to do something about this. Because what’s the alternative?’ she wondered.

‘Good question. What is the alternative to this? And what will it cost you if you do start to take action?’ I pushed her gently.

‘The alternative is more Maldives trips, more Japanese anime, endless nights at the office, deep sadness when I hear my friend’s engagement stories, wondering if I should freeze my eggs and risk not having a child ever. And what will it cost me? It’ll cost me some time at work for sure,’ she said, matter-of-factly.

Purpose-driven workaholic

In our following session, Vanessa told me she had decided to freeze her eggs in Taiwan and planned to do so ‘early Q2’, as by then her work would be ‘less non-stop’.

‘Tell me what you mean by “non-stop”,’ I asked, tilting my head slightly to the side.

This was a bridge to discuss potential workaholism.

Sometimes when people say ‘non-stop’, it is hyperbole. At other times, I have been shocked to hear the details.

‘I put away messages on my email even when I’m in the bathroom. My phone is on twenty-four hours a day, and that used to be the case only when I was working on a specific deal. I realized to really compete with the other firm members, I needed to have it on all the time in case a potential or existing client called. My days average twelve hours of working—as in meetings at the office type of work—and that’s six days most weeks. Some of my work is with the USA so I need to be “on” each Saturday in Asia. I couldn’t tell you the last weekend when I did something fun outside of work. And the last date I went on? You might laugh, but the guy surely wasn’t laughing. Yup, I left the restaurant to speak with a client as my phone rang in the middle of dinner.’

This wasn’t hyperbole.

‘What happens if you shut your phone off? Or you miss an email from a client?’ I asked, my eyebrows slightly furrowed.

Vanessa looked as if my questions were inducing a panic attack—not a good look for a therapist.

Her eyes opened wide, and she responded, ‘I don’t shut my phone off, and I don’t miss emails. Look, obviously I would like more time outside of work to do stuff, but I genuinely like my work. I’m sure some of your clients hate their work in finance, and I guess I’m just different in that way.’

She was right. I have worked with many people in finance and other fields, who found their jobs soul-sucking and were clear they were doing it for the money. They were addicted to the work because they were addicted to the money, the goodies, the ego, all of it. One client told me, ‘I leave my soul at the entrance to the bank each morning.’

Yet, I have also worked with many in finance who connected with or cultivated a sense of purpose in their work and felt drawn to it for reasons beyond money. I worked with a trader who was deeply connected with his work and took tremendous interest in researching markets globally. He also took his colossal bonus each year and donated it to charity.

In every industry there are workaholics who may be driven by survival, avoidance, money, and/or ego. However, there are also many who are what I have come to term ‘purpose-driven workaholics’, and although there are challenges with any kind of addiction, I believe that with work-related addiction, there is a spectrum and, with that, different ways to treat it.

‘I believe you. It sounds like you do connect with purpose in your work, and that was even clear in the first session. Tell me, what is it about your work that feels purposeful?’ I needed to ask because if she was going to make time to connect with a partner, I needed to know which parts of her work she was most connected to and what was negotiable.

‘I feel a sense of purpose in my work as I focus on ESG (environmental, social, and governance) issues that relate to my portfolio companies. Also, I have spearheaded job training programs for impoverished women in various countries. And I really enjoy the complexity of the deals and working with clients.’

‘It sounds like you are what I call a purpose-driven workaholic—a person who does have an addiction to the work and therefore suffers some consequences—and/or those around you do—yet feels a tremendous connection to and sense of purpose with their work and are driven mostly by the purpose. That’s wonderful in some ways, yet it’s still workaholism. What comes to you when I say that?’ I asked.

‘Oh, I’m totally a workaholic. I like the purpose-driven qualifier. The challenge is I want to continue working hard and do a great job. I want to also make sure I’m leading others towards being great at their work. All that matters to me. Yet, really, what matters right now is that we do work on me being in a relationship. I get there will be a trade-off here with how much I’m working.’

There are various practical components to helping workaholics, such as reducing their hours and seeing if they can delegate more. It also helps to make lifestyle changes, as few workaholics, of any kind, will be getting enough sleep, exercise, or nutrition and many will lack any sense of community outside work.

Some workaholics may be avoiding something outside of work—a troubled relationship, feelings that are too painful, or financial woes, for example. But that’s not usually the case with purpose-driven workaholics.

‘What have you tried so far to meet someone, Vanessa? Are you socializing at all outside of work?’ I asked.

‘Honestly, I really don’t have any friends outside of work in Hong Kong. All my friends are in Taiwan with husbands or families,’ Vanessa lamented. ‘And, if I’m really being honest, I sometimes ignore them as it feels uncomfortable to see photos of engagements and weddings. On the dating front, I have tried all the dating apps and I just can’t stomach another man telling me he loves “strong women” or telling me about how he grew up in a household with a strong mum and sister,’ she said, half laughing.

I have lost track of how many women have told me they cringe at men on dating apps who post that they ‘love strong women’. There’s an undertone of insincerity in that line as if they just want to get into your pants.

‘Yes, I can understand why that would make you cringe,’ I said as we shared a short laugh together.

I sometimes imagine there’s a moustache-twirling executive advising men to say this to attract women. In that moment, Vanessa needed a woman to affirm what she was feeling and say in agreement yeah, thanks, I’ll pass. 

‘Can we speak about what you’re willing to change with work? I will not try to take away the purpose you feel with your work, I promise! With workaholics, everything at first seems important to hold onto and do themselves. They’re often very attached to being ‘on’ at all times, feeling that this gives them an edge, an intense focus, an advantage over those who disconnect from work.

‘Yes, let’s do that. Let’s talk about taking action,’ Vanessa said enthusiastically.

Here is [part of] the action plan we came up with:

Join a running club: Vanessa was barely exercising at all when we first met, and with workaholics, I like to appeal to their sense of ‘efficiency’ by killing two birds with one stone. She had been a runner in secondary school and university, so we reconnected her with this. Doing so helped her health while also offering a way to connect with potential friends and dates.

Sleep hygiene: Like most workaholics, Vanessa didn’t get enough shut eye. The running helped reset her sleep patterns and she bought one of those ‘mobile phone jail cells’ in which her phone was locked between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. so she couldn’t check it. She also started wearing blue-light-blocking glasses during her night calls, reducing night calls where possible, and cutting caffeine after lunchtime.

Reduce hours: Vanessa needed to decide what work she could delegate to others, work that she did not connect with. She also learned to discern between ‘false urgency’ and what’s truly urgent, as her workaholism initially coded everything. She was able to reduce unnecessary meetings, which she recognized were ‘utter nonsense’. She also built a mental titanium gate around Sundays to disconnect fully from work so she could reconnect on Monday in better form. Usually, workaholics want to see how changes will improve their work quality, and I had no doubt that one day off a week, in addition to the other changes, could help Vanessa. ‘I hated Sundays at first yet now look forward to them and do work better once I’m back in the office the next day,’ she said.

Focus on what matters: We spoke about protecting more time for those activities Vanessa found truly purposeful, such as ESG and helping women in developing countries. Vanessa found she was better able to focus and generate ideas in these areas after a few months of readjusting how she worked. 

To her credit, Vanessa tried all of the above over the course of five months and felt life was more ‘spacious and enjoyable’. She also applied some of her purpose-driven tendencies to connect with a partner—hyperfocus, determination, and some obsessiveness. As she began dating, there was lots of trial and error, yet she learned that this was part of the process, and instead of getting discouraged, she retained a healthy mindset. 

‘I guess life projects are sometimes like work projects where you start with an objective and then end up taking different twists and turns. Not linear,’ she said.

Around five months into the process, she began dating a warm, lovely Irish man, Conor, who worked for a non-profit organization focused on climate change. They met through a mutual work connection. 

At our last session, she described Conor as, ‘Exactly what I need’, and added, ‘You were correct—dating is not like ordering off a menu. He’s got a lot of what I was hoping for, as in he’s connected with purpose, kind, has a great sense of humour, yet also an element of mystery. I totally adore the guy.’

I gave her a big smile, and she responded, ‘I was really surprised that therapy could be a safe space to share my true feelings yet also a place to inspire action. On TV, it always seems to be about sharing feelings endlessly.’

This extract is taken from Rethink the Couch: Into the Bedrooms and Boardrooms of Asia with an Expat Therapist by Allison Heiliczer and published by Penguin Random House SEA. It has been edited for clarity and length.

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