The pursuit of perfection

Another day, another airport. We had a tradition of stocking up on fashion magazines to share and read during the many hours we spent at airports and on planes. With a keen interest in fashion, I’d sketch some of my own costumes and collate scrapbooks of looks and moodboards.

On one of the flights, I saw a perfect outfit for Tiffani. Looking over, I could see she was already busy reading, so I looked away—and then I did a double take.

She wasn’t reading a fashion magazine, or cooking, or travel … To my surprise, it was a cosmetic surgery magazine.

‘What on earth are you reading that for?’

‘I’m thinking of getting an augmentation.’

‘Um, why? You do not need one. Your boobs are beautiful the way they are.’

‘I don’t know. I think it would look better,’ she laughed, squeezing her arms together to create cleavage.

‘That scares the living crap out of me, Tiff. It’s pretty major surgery and there are risks of complications. Why not just use a push-up bra?’

‘I’ve made my mind up. I want to do it.’ She went back to reading the magazine.

It was hard to hear this beautiful young woman was considering changing her body to conform to a beauty standard. In my eyes, Tiff was perfect the way she was. I had come to love these girls like family, and it was scaring me how fame was affecting us.

Of course, I had my own body image issues and probably should have been showing myself the same love and support. I seemed to be getting skinnier by the day. The only difference between us was that no matter how bad I felt about my body, I would never go in for elective cosmetic surgery.

So I was shocked when I found out that Sophie was also considering a cosmetic procedure.

‘I’m going to get a loan for aesthetic surgery,’ she said. ‘I don’t like my curves and I’ve spoken with a loan provider, and they’re approving it.’

I was speechless. I thought loans were for cars or houses, not this. Not for something she absolutely did not need.

I hadn’t realised just how much time Sophie spent worrying about how she looked and comparing herself to her bandmates. Had we all become image-obsessed?

‘You’ve already been to see a doctor? How can a doctor allow this at your age?’

She was nineteen.

‘It’s no big deal, and the surgery is booked. I made sure to do it once we have a few days’ break. I’ve made my decision.’

See also: Mia Kang shares her journey from fighting an eating disorder to modelling for Victoria’s Secret, curves and all

The life of a model and performer might appear glamorous, but in my experience, it had been the exact opposite. When I started my career, nobody was sharing the truth about what it took for some to remain thin, to have the look the industry called for. Magazines were filled with celebrity diets and regimens but I found the only way to stay very thin was to eat just one meal per day, and exercise. Although it left me feeling starved, I accepted that this was part of my job and became accustomed to it.

Every weekend morning, I’d be up at six thirty, regardless of the time my gig had finished the night before, to go for a run and then to the gym. As I exercised on an empty stomach, I was energised by the thought of burning off last night’s dinner—every last calorie. I thought the constant physical and mental uneasiness was normal. These patterns were so entrenched that I wasn’t aware I had an eating disorder.

Before Bardot, I’d always strived to be fit and trim. Fizzy drinks and junk food were not allowed in my family home when I was growing up, and I was grateful for these habits in adult life.

But between the pressures of fame and our work schedule, I felt like I was losing control of my own life. My days were dictated by other people: eighteen hours of media appearances, interviews and album signings. I felt I had no control over anything anymore, and the fact that we were not even being paid for it made even less sense.

Alone in the hotel bathroom, I closed my eyes, shut the toilet lid and flushed.

This was now a calm and controlled routine—throwing up the cashew nuts from the mini bar, or whatever I had eaten that day. My greatest fear, which was completely irrational, was becoming fat overnight.

I cleaned my teeth and, looking at my reflection, watched my tears fall.

The more I inflicted this on myself, the more fearful I became about what effect it would have on my body, the body I was trying so hard to take good care of. I was expected to keep in shape—it was a clause in the contract, after all—and with the long days and nights in the studio and interviews, I felt I had no other choice. I had to work off the calories from any food we were served because I was contractually required to stay thin.

Of course, there was a major flaw in my logic, but this is what fear does to rational thinking. When I began this journey, I ate and exercised a healthy amount and maintained a regular weight. I was still working my arse off—why would I suddenly not need the same amount of energy to sustain me?

I feel in control, I thought as I sat on the crisply folded duvet.

But another voice inside me knew better. That voice was screaming ‘STOP!’ My empty stomach was crying out for some real food, and my adrenal glands were panting for some rest.

I felt ashamed, knowing this was dysfunctional behaviour. The fact that I had kept this a secret from the girls made me feel even worse. I craved answers, so I visited the local library in a desperate attempt to understand what I was doing to myself and why. My research confirmed that bulimia is the best friend of those who crave control, and I had none. Unfortunately, this knowledge wasn’t enough to stop me, so the disorder would continue, on and off, throughout my time in Bardot.

I was a role model for teenage girls. I was seen as healthy and glowing. My success was due to my dedication and hard work. I was a real-life reality-TV fairytale.

No one could know what I was doing.

This extract is taken from The Girl in the Band: Bardot – A Cautionary Tale, by Belinda Chapple, published by Simon and Schuster Australia and available now on Amazon and as an audio book on Audible.

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