Cover How do you know if you’ve found ‘The One’? (Photo: Getty Images)
How do you know if you’ve found ‘The One’? (Photo: Getty Images)
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How do you know if you've found ‘The One’? Podcaster and editor Stephanie Zubiri shares why settling for anything less is never an option
Love—a feeling that has been defined, undefined, and redefined but never fully understood. Philosophers have torn it apart and examined it from every angle: for Plato, it was beauty and attraction; for Aristotle, a mutual desire to help each other grow and flourish. There are more iterations beyond the books, but whatever it is, one truth remains: love makes life worthwhile. And if it didn’t, why do we yearn for it?
In the context of lifetime companionship, ‘love’ asserts itself as a bond that endures all that encompasses contempt. The concept of ‘The One’ in romantic partnerships is an idea repeatedly used to symbolise the perfect match—someone who complements, challenges, and grows with you, but podcaster and editor Stephanie Zubiri argues: “The real, true, and one and only ‘The One’ is yourself.”
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Zubiri believes that true love starts from within. “You have to meet yourself wholly and honestly before being able to love someone else for who they are,” she shares with Tatler. “If not, all you fall in love with are projections of yourself.”
“Oftentimes we don’t necessarily fall in love with the person—we fall in love with how we feel around them and what they bring out in us. We see our best reflections in them, and that’s where the eventual disenchantment lays later on,” she adds.
The Soulful Feasts host embraces the concept of ‘Soul Recognition’, the belief that we have already walked the Earth and met many lifetimes ago, crossing paths in ways that transcend time, as if our souls have always known each other. “It’s a feeling best described as ‘I’ve known this person all my life’, even if you have just met,” she says, noting that shared dreams, an electric familiarity, and a feeling of finding home are the usual signs.
More from Tatler: Authenticity and soul: Stephanie Zubiri reflects on her journey as Tatler Homes editor
Above Stephanie Zubiri answers and says she believes in soul recognition (Photo: Getty Images)
Stephanie Zubiri answers and says she believes in soul recognition (Photo: Getty Images)
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It’s a feeling best described as ‘I’ve known this person all my life’, even if you have just met
While Zubiri cautions against obsessively searching for signs, she believes that aligning with what we truly deserve allows the right relationships to unfold naturally. “I believe that we get back the energy we put out there. You will get one if we truly believe we deserve a serious relationship. You will only meet people who want that. Our minds and hearts may often want it, but our energy differs. We have unprocessed traumas and love blocks that stop us from getting what we want,” she explains.
These relationships, she continues, are so valuable because they reveal not only who we are but also what we want out of love and life. They are “the right ones for right now,” helping you meet yourself, peel back layers, and leave you vulnerable and open to inner work and self-discovery. She believes that finding ‘The One’ is just as beautiful.
Above Stephanie Zubiri does not believe in looking for signs when looking for The One (Photo: Getty Images)
Stephanie Zubiri does not believe in looking for signs when looking for The One (Photo: Getty Images)
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Vulnerability, softness, and peace are always present in healthy and fruitful romantic relationships, according to Zubiri. She adds that the ability to bare your soul to each other separates casual dates from more profound connections.
“You can show yourself in all states, and so can they. There’s still an intensity of attraction and love. You feel safe to have honest and hard conversations and trust that they will listen and vice versa,” she says.
“There is no fear. Once there is fear, there is a serious reckoning to be had, with each other and yourself.”
Honeymoon phase?
Zubiri says that there are ways in which couples continue to show ‘love’ even after the initial honeymoon phase. She uses her relationship with Scott A Woodward as an example, highlighting how they keep the connection strong.
“When you still find the romance and joy in the mundane—that’s special. Scott’s biggest love language for me is doing my accounting,” she jests. “Kidding aside, he makes me feel safe and secure and shows that he is happy to empower me, support my business, and encourage my growth. It’s such a generous and meaningful gesture.”
Above Vulnerability, softness, and peace are always present when you’re in a fruitful relationship, says Stephanie Zubiri when asked about ‘The One’ (Photo: Getty Images)
Vulnerability, softness, and peace are always present when you’re in a fruitful relationship, says Stephanie Zubiri when asked about ‘The One’ (Photo: Getty Images)
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For Zubiri, taking the time to prioritise ‘togethership’ generates sparks and electricity in relationships. “That inspiring collaboration between two creative minds is so wonderful. We also make time to be silly, intimate, explore, and travel together without the children. We also love our adventures with the children and encourage each other to have our own experiences. Then we have things to share and discuss, a shared journey as a family, a couple, and individuals,” she shares.
She mentions psychotherapist Esther Perel, who advocates for maintaining individuality within relationships. “‘Eroticism thrives in the space between the self and the other’. It’s important to keep a healthy distance so you can see your partner shine in their own light, but also enough closeness to not lose touch,” Zubiri stresses.
“Too much distance and you end up on an individual trajectory, and too much closeness can also remove the mystery, as per the adage, ‘familiarity breeds contempt.’ Every couple has their own version of this—there are no rules.”
It’s important to keep a healthy distance so you can see your partner shine in their own light, but also enough closeness to not lose touch
Zubiri warns that couples must not lose these two things: trust and mutual respect. “They say these two are key to a solid and healthy relationship. Once the respect is lost and either breaks the parties’ trust, it’s very hard to earn them back,” she says. “Loss of respect breeds disdain, and loss of trust breeds paranoia and fear. It’s so hard to come back from this. It’s a precious commodity, and once it blossoms in a relationship, both parties need to work actively to treasure and cherish it. Especially in the small, difficult everyday moments.”
She emphasises that it’s up to us as individuals never to let that slide, always demand respect and trust, and not brush off unkind words or minor digressions. These things add up in the end.
Read more: Tinder data reveals the top 10 international destinations where people look for love
Above Have you found The One? How can you make them stay? (Photo: Getty Images)
Have you found The One? How can you make them stay? (Photo: Getty Images)
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On Marriage, divorce, settling
Zubiri has a more progressive take on marriage. She believes everyone has the right to define their life and relationships and that marriage is not for everyone. “Far too much societal pressure makes marriage the end all be all. People change, relationships evolve, and life happens.”
She fully supports modern relationships that work for the individuals involved, acknowledging that some long-lasting couples may choose not to marry. In contrast, others may appear perfect on the outside but are secretly estranged. The most important commitment, according to Zubiri, is the one you make to yourself and your partner every day, not just on a special occasion with documents.
She emphasises that when you’ve done your inner work and genuinely love yourself, you can find someone who will love you the way you need and deserve. “Never settle. I would much rather have a thriving and full life alone than a mediocre relationship. There is never any reason to settle. One should consider why they feel pressure to find ‘The One’.
“Being in a relationship shouldn’t make you feel complete. You should be completely alone. Otherwise, it’s such a selfish reason to be in a relationship—just so you can fill the empty parts of yourself. Those parts should be complete, and you should look to give abundantly from your overflow.”
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Jove holds a degree in Journalism and is currently pursuing graduate studies in Philosophy at the University of the Philippines–Diliman. She has flair for in-depth, interview-driven stories that explore politics and culture, shaped by her background in national broadsheets.
When she’s not on assignment, Jove spends her days painting, sipping lemonade, and walking her dog, Jupiter. She can often be seen in Escolta with a film camera in hand, browsing novelty shops in search of rare memorabilia. For leads, reach her at Jove@tatlerphilippines.com.
