Cover Fathers from the Tatler community share their thoughts of fatherhood (Photo: Getty Images)
Fathers from the Tatler community share their thoughts of fatherhood (Photo: Getty Images)
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There is no manual for becoming a father—but we do have papas in the Tatler community with pearls of wisdom to share
As the roles of men and women in families have evolved over time, so have the demands on men who are parents. Traditionally, it is common for fathers to be the sole wage-earners, their primary responsibility being to provide for his family. Now, with more women working and contributing to putting rice on the table, expectations of fatherhood have had to change with the times.
Fathers are also encouraged to invest time in developing emotional bonds with his children and partner, something that for generations was frowned upon. But societal expectations have not caught up, and boys and men are still not encouraged to be emotional or to understand their emotions. There is also a lack of representation and guidance for men to better understand mental health, wellbeing and healthy bonds—whether that is within themselves or in their relationships with others, including with their families. So it’s little wonder that most men are ill-prepared when they step into the life-changing role of becoming a dad.
So, to celebrate Father’s Day we asked the wonderful dads of the Tatler community to be vulnerable with us and share how fatherhood surprised them.
Read more: Father’s Day gift guide: From audiophiles to foodies, here’s to celebrating all types of dads
Alan Lo, senior advisor at JIA Group
Developing that connection, that magical bond with my children is something I would have no idea what it feels like if I didn’t have kids.
Fatherhood is a lifetime commitment—you don’t do it for a few years and move on to something else. Enjoy the days when they are young and treasure it. [Our kids are three, six and nine years old, and] it’s such an amazing journey to see them at that age when they're learning about the world! And it’s really that moment ... you will never experience it again when they’re all grown up.
Nicholas Ho, chairman of HPA
[Fatherhood is] a lot to deal with given new society awareness, cultural considerations and norms, social media, cyber exposure, access to information and so on. Core values and self-worth education have never been more important, especially the need for resilience and agility to survive in the future world.
Increasingly, I am seeing a lot of dads getting more hands-on with taking care of their children, and I love it. Society should provide an equitable environment and offer stay-at-home parents the right support and resources they may require, to ensure [they receive] positive encouragement with the knowledge that the community is open and inclusive.
Prepare for a complete change in your life and treasure every single moment of it.
Dinesh Nihalchand, managing partner at District15
Having a child is a beautiful miracle of life that most ordinary men experience. However, it’s the courage to raise a child that makes one a father.
It didn’t occur to me that my heart could experience this quantum of love for my children, and I owe them a life of mentorship and care for being able to touch my heart in a such a profound way. They have both given me the lens to look deeper at myself—and my soul—and draw strength to become a more patient, calmer, gentler, softer and sweeter father, friend, husband, brother and son.
Nothing I’ve ever done has given me more joy and reward than being a father to my children. I love them and their mother with every living cell of my body and I feel truly blessed and grateful every day.
Leonard Chao, director of Lechare
One of the most surprising things I’ve learnt as a parent is how much our children mimic and learn from our behaviours. Every word we say and every action we take, no matter how small, can have a profound impact on our children’s development.
While I do my best to be mindful of my language and actions around my kids, there have been times when things have slipped through the cracks. I vividly remember raising my voice in frustration with my oldest son, only to see him mimic that same tone with his younger siblings just days later. It was a wake-up call that reminded me of the immense power I hold as a parent.
I love spending time with my kids and being hands-on with their daily lives and education. However, living in a society where mothers often take on the bulk of child-rearing responsibilities, it can feel awkward at times being the lone dad in a sea of mums. Don’t let this awkwardness deter you from taking on more with your kids, because whatever time you can afford to spend with them will make an immeasurable difference in their future.
Thierry Mandonnaud, co-founder and director at Abyssian
My biggest surprise when I became a father was learning and understanding more about my own father. Suddenly, you discover the difficulty and challenges of parenting and of raising a child, as well as the sacrifices you have to make, and the joy it brings. Only when you become a parent do you truly understands who your parents are, and therefore more about who you are.
I think in general men do not allow themselves to be vulnerable and talk about the mental health challenge that can come with fatherhood. Father’s emotional challenges need to be discussed more openly so we can learn from one another and be better prepared.
Gus Lee, associate director at Aedas Ltd
One thing that modern society preaches is that you should be prepared enough before you take on certain roles and responsibilities. Enough can be measured in terms of savings, maturity, or anything else that is deemed quantifiably important in society, but I believe that you can never be ready to be a father. Not really.
There are some things in life you can never really prepare sufficiently for. Instead, what surprised me the most about fatherhood is that it is more like a dance than an individual challenge. Your education really begins when your little one is born and practice makes perfect. So unlike most things in life, you can never be too early and it’s never too late. Fatherhood is never easy but always a blessing.
Another aspect of fatherhood that surprised me was how the most effective way of being a father is by first being a loving husband. The role of a father has traditionally been a lonely one but it doesn’t have to be. Rather than seeing fatherhood as a personal journey, I learnt that by partnering with my wife and seeing parenthood as an extension of our marriage that I am able to amplify my love as a father.
