Multi-hyphenate Stephanie Er reflects honestly on the challenge of caring for her daughter on her own for four years

There is no denying the very close bond between entrepreneur Stephanie Er and her six-year-old daughter. The mother and daughter duo are inseparable, in part because she was a solo parent for four years.

Er, who also has her own podcast and is a freelance interior designer, speaks candidly about the challenges of being both a mother and father—and how her love for her daughter has shaped her own life.

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Tatler Asia

Describe your relationship with your daughter

Stephanie Er (SE) She is my child but more than that she is my best friend. When I see her, she is a part of me and yet she is her own person. I do not associate her being with mine just because I birthed her. In that way, I respect her identity as an individual whom I nurture, love and share life experiences with.

That said, I am very attached to her, she is my ultimate muse in life. I learn from her, the good and the bad. I tell her everything that's going on in my life and I regularly check in on her emotions and the daily musings of hers.

The word love is all-encompassing and powerful yet it isn't enough to fully encapsulate my feelings for my daughter.

What is your parenting philosophy?

SE I do not take parenting lightly. This person is yours to nurture into adulthood. I share with her life lessons such as having empathy for others, having a good head on her shoulders and succeeding on her own merit that can hopefully shape her into an individual who believes in the intrinsic importance of humanity.

I dote on her immensely but there are lines she is not allowed to cross and when she does she knows she will get the appropriate punishment.

How do you lead by example for your daughter?

SE I don't think it's an active thing I do, leading by example that is. Although I think every child chooses someone to imprint on and when they do, they try to follow everything in that person's footsteps.

I don't consciously lead by example, instead I try to live ethically and be respectful of people and nature as much as I can. I am not perfect, no one is. As parents, we sometimes feel like we have to be this invincible superhero when it is not the case. That is impossible and if we put up that front to our children, it is false advertising. So, I dare to fail. Through my trials and tribulations, I am transparent about my emotions and pain. She witnesses all of this and is allowed to assess it in her own way. If through my success and failures she leeches off some good, that's good enough for me.

What was the hardest thing about having to be both the father and mother to your daughter?

SE Taking on both parental roles was very hard, to say the least. It took me a long time emotionally to heal from her father's hiatus in her life. This is because I have a very close bond with my father, he is my all. And then, to imagine my own child possibly growing up without a father struck me hard. It took me about two and a half years to regain my footing.

In that time, my dad was a big pillar of support for her and my friends were truly my heroes. They picked me up mentally and emotionally. I am grateful for the support system I had. While every story is different, I now acknowledge that being aware of your mental wellbeing is pivotal and if one feels lost, you should seek help.

I was a single parent during my daughter’s formative years - this means I had to make hard decisions in terms of nurturing and guiding her. It is a huge responsibility and I had no one to discuss this with so I am thankful for her father's return because co-parenting means I do not have to do it alone. I have someone who loves her just as much and is willing to partake in discussions on big decision making even though we butt heads sometimes. 

Tatler Asia

Now that your daughter’s father is back, how is he involved in parenting?

SE He came back to be a part of my daughter’s life after four years and I laid out the rules about how often he can see her and what I need him to do for her administratively. It has been almost a year since and we have open conversations about her growth, school life and emotional wellbeing.

He has proved his worth and sincerity so far and to see them interacting is such a bliss. Through their interactions, I can feel that he genuinely loves her. I treasure moments when they have quality time. It is something some people take for granted but my child never had that for years, it is also a lesson in cherishing the little things.

We have a complex co-parenting relationship now, one where we respect each other's boundaries, love and care for our child together and are grown enough to admit we did each other wrong before. It is great to be able to have this with him.

Related: "Don't Call Me An Instagram Influencer," Says Stephanie Er

What is the greatest joy you derive out of motherhood?

SE That I have a bond with another human being that is one of a kind. It can only happen with a mother and a child. That is my greatest joy.

What do you consider your biggest sacrifice in becoming a mother?

SE There is none. Being a mother is not a job, it isn't work. It's a role to play in relationships, just as you wouldn't say to your best friend, "What is your greatest sacrifice in becoming my best friend?"

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