3. TRAUMA BONDING

This emotional attachment develops from a recurring cycle of abuse, devaluation and positive reinforcement. If you feel you are being pulled into this cycle, leave or start couple’s therapy immediately. Do not believe that you have the capacity to be a version of a martyr and change your abuser. While it is easier said than done, take heart that it is possible to walk away and the sooner done, the easier it should be.

That said, the trauma-bonding phase is dangerous because the typical justifications and apologies of the abuser may make you wonder if this behaviour is in the category of ‘this happens sometimes.’ Profuse begging, crying, swearing it will never happen again and then more love bombing is enough to make you feel like you have an extra special albeit twisted bond with this person. It’s possible to get weirdly addicted to this toxicity without even realising it until you are in deep and at a point where working it out between the two of you in a healthy manner is no longer possible.

In an abusive relationship, your body and mind are in a continued state of distress and to think clearly is extremely hard. You feel emotionally battered, confused and as if you are walking on eggshells constantly. The key takeaway I want to share with anyone in such a state is that you are not alone and even if it feels impossible in the moment, with time and help you can redesign your life—and you should because you deserve to be happy, loved and, more importantly, respected.

This opinion piece is part of a collaboration between Front & Female and Asia Gender Network, the first pan-Asian network committed to mobilising capital for gender equality, whose influential members include Neerja Birla. She is chairperson of the Aditya Birla Education Trust and a recipient of accolades including the 50 top global mental health leaders award by the World Mental Health Congress in 2019

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