How To Pick The Perfect Watch, Based On Your Personality Type
Watch: A Lange & Söhne
You may not have zoomed off anywhere (except via Zoom) for a good six months now, but you still operate in multiple time zones, and your watch is the essential tool that facilitates doing so. Co-ordinating contact with your businesses in Sydney, Singapore, Seattle and Sao Paolo, your wife in London, girlfriend in Lisbon, psychotherapist in Los Angeles and money-launderer—sorry, private banker—in Lucerne...it’s enough to make your Lex Luthor-smooth head spin. A glance at the Lange 1 Time Zone keeps you grounded.
Watch: IWC Schaffhausen
A date? Haven’t had one of those in years. (Whatever. Relationships are for suckers.) So why would you need the date on your timepiece? You’re all business, no pussyfooting around, screw the small-talk, pal. Just give me the essentials, OK? Cut to the chase, be concise, tell me what the situation is. Tell me what frickin’ time it is. Let’s make it clear—every second counts. Look at my Portugieser 40 mm in yellow gold, man. See here, the clock’s ticking. We gotta deal or what?
The Watch: Tag Heuer
Oh my goodness you guys, how ARE you? I can’t WAIT to tell you about my latest project, we’ve been working on this one for months and I am SO excited to finally reveal it to you ALL! So, this is my new watch, OK? The Aquaracer Automatic 32 mm. I know, RIGHT? So shiny. And it doesn’t just look PRETTY, it also tells you the time, so you can schedule your posts for maximum engagement! Yay! Plus, it’s totes waterproof, which means no worries while shooting those all-important poolside bikini pics. AMAZE, yah?
Time is not real. It’s a social construct, darling. But then, so is your day-to-day life! Your personal secretary, majordomo and driver ensure you’re on schedule for the endless array of charitable endeavours, hairdressing, beautician and aesthetician appointments, dress fittings, balls and brunches, tennis lessons, Pilates, yoga and depilation sessions that fill your day. So your watch need only essentially display your fabulous taste..and near-limitless wherewithal. Enter: the Panthère de Cartier High Jewellery watch.
Watch: Patek Philippe
Fatherhood is all about sacrifice. If you hope to give your spawn a proper upbringing—good education, nice shoes, memorable vacations, piano lessons, yada yada—you’re probably going to have to compromise a little on your own creature comforts. So forget the perpetual calendar chrono. Ain’t gonna happen. But a nice Calatrava Ref 5196G might be within your grasp. They say you never really own a Patek Philippe, you merely mind it for the next gen—to wit, this 37 mm white-gold beauty is perfectly sized, whether a son or daughter will be the recipient of your generous bequest.
Watch: Jacob & Co
To you, a hot collabo drop is irresistible catnip. You queued overnight at Dover Street Market for that Gucci x CDG freshness. You wrote custom algos to ensure you got those Off-White Nike “Tens”. Your bedroom’s embellished with bulk Warhol and Futura Bearbricks. And of course you’ve copped any Supreme collab you could get your hands on, from the Vuitton denim to the Hohner harmonica. (Heck, you even got the box logo branded brick.) Your watch? Rockin’ that Supreme drip and Jacob Arabo dazzle.
Your father gave you the best schooling money can buy, some excellent advice and, eventually, a modest property portfolio that you will grow into a multi-billiondollar conglomerate spanning China, Southeast Asia and the US. You mean business—and so does your timepiece. Your professional life can get ugly, so you love to escape into beauty and elegance, but no frippery, no nonsense; you value purity of purpose and best-in-class performance. That’s precisely what you see whenever you check the time, thanks to Bulgari’s Lady Finissimo Tourbillon.
See also: October 2020: What's New In Watches
The Rap Star
Like the tattoos on your face—and your hands, your arms, your legs, your neck, your chest, your back and just about every other inch of available skin—your Rolex Cosmograph Daytona “Rainbow” says, “Look at me!” It also telegraphs the fact that you won’t ever have to work a nine-to-five job because you’ve already made enough money to float off into the sunset whenever you damn please.
See also: 5 Rolex Watches Worn By Roger Federer
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- IllustrationStephen Collins