The weddings of today call for new social customs. Jo Bryant, a long-term contributor to the famous Debrett’s guide to etiquette, shares some tips for the big day
If Four Weddings and a Funeral taught us anything, it is that a day spent celebrating marriage can be filled with love, happiness, romance and… the very real and present danger of offending someone.
From pacifying the great aunt who assumes she will be invited to dinner and dancing, to making a seating plan that includes your divorced parents, your best friend’s latest fling and the groom’s badly behaved nephew, wedding planning is a minefield. Even more so once you throw in modern add-ons such as destination weddings, saucy hashtags and party favours.
When it comes to etiquette, there is no greater source than Debrett’s—an authority on how to behave in polite society since 1769. Founded in London (where else?), it has spent two and a half centuries providing the people of the UK with invaluable advice. So we asked Jo Bryant, a long-term Debrett’s contributor and the editor of its recent wedding’s guide, for advice.
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Be flexible
“I find that brides and grooms mostly struggle when they’re pleasing too many people at once,” she says on the phone from London. “And that’s why, in the planning stages, it’s essential to be as clear as possible. Firstly with yourself and your fiancé—work out, alone, what exactly it is that you want. And then bring in your parents and see what their vision is. That’s when the art of compromise comes in.”
Bryant believes that the fatal mistake is being too dogmatic. Whether you’re a bride determined to get married on a distant island, a groom who wants to invite everyone he ever had a beer with or a mother-in-law wanting to recreate every family tradition, the best possible move you can make is to be flexible.
“It’s essential,” she says. “When it comes to wedding planning, we all get caught up in what we want, and while of course you need to be happy, being headstrong and refusing to compromise will lead to a very rocky ride for everyone involved. Be kind to yourself and remember you’re planning an enormous event and spending a huge amount—don’t underestimate the importance of making sure people are getting along and how much happier that will make you on the big day than having the exact colour scheme you want.”
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