Combating Toxic Masculinity: How We Can Redefine What Masculinity Means

The ‘man box culture’ is a term coined by social justice activist Tony Porter, based on American writer Paul Kivel’s work, Act Like a Man Box. The ‘man box’ refers to how males conform themselves to a confined set of traditional rules in order to fit into the dominant culture of masculinity.

“The number one rule of the man box? Don’t ever show your emotions, except anger,” says Mark Greene, author of The Little #MeToo Book for Men and founder of the Remaking Manhood, a community dedicated to expanding the conversation about healthy masculinity. 

Having studied the man box culture intensively, Greene notes that the damage is often done at a young age. “Boys are taught to hide their emotions and replace it with a stoic, standard version of masculine performance,” he says, highlighting a common example where “if a boy falls down at the playground and starts crying, his parents will tell him to ‘man up’ and ‘be a boy, don’t cry’.” 

This encouragement to limit and shroud their emotions often leads to a suppression of empathy. “When we teach a boy to not show his emotions, what we’re doing in that moment is that we’re obstructing their ability to engage in the back and forth of relating in the process of communicating with another human being,” Greene remarks. 

This eventually generates into bullying and domestic abuse as “mechanisms for forming and expressing male status and identity”. To combat man box culture, Greene recommends parents to explore their families’ powerful relational capacities. It’s important to take time and check instinctual reactions in order to shape their environments and interactions with young ones.

Don't miss: 3 Parents in Singapore Share How They Raised Their Daughters To Be Empowered Women

Ego, according to ex-military officer and motivational speaker Duncan Kirkwood, is a major factor that fuels men in asserting their perceived power over women. 

“We connect our value of who we are to titles and roles, but [these titles] have very little to do with who we are,” says the Army veteran. “Who you are is more than what society says you should be. Violence and aggression are not synonymous with being a man. Don’t let your ego trick you into thinking that.” 

Kirkwood also highlights the importance of learning to respond instead of reacting in stressful reactions. Reacting rashly, he notes, is a common theme in plenty of gender-based violence cases. “As men, our ego has led us to have so many programmed reactions, it’s almost like we’re on autopilot. When someone hits the right buttons, you instantly react.”  

Reactions are often emotionally driven as compared to responding, which occurs through conscious thinking and is based on a person’s core values. “When you get into arguments, pause, take a deep breath, and take a second to think,” advises Kirkwood. “Ultimately, you get to choose how you’re going to respond.”

Read more: Why Modern Women Are Moving Away From Marriage For Freedom And Independence

As boys navigate the transition to adulthood, it’s important to nurture empathy. “In my view, it is important for boys to learn empathy,” says Nicholas Lim, co-founder of ​​Youth Work Association Singapore. “It can and should be taught as soon as possible.”

Perhaps because empathy involves emotions, it’s often seen as a ‘soft’ trait that’s a flaw for males—there’s even the bitter saying that ‘nice guys finish last’. “Many people will perceive men as weak when they show emotions, but it’s the opposite,” says Lim. Empathy helps to empower males to understand their emotional workings, as well as others around them. 

Bryan Tan, chief executive officer at the Centre For Fathering, a non-profit organisation that aims to empower father figures to be better role models, agrees. “It’s important, emotionally, to be vulnerable, emphatic and authentic.” 

Fostering empathy is cardinal to lowering the perpetration of violence against women. Tan notes that leading by example is by far, the most powerful method to encourage empathy. “When it comes to empathy, it’s important that children feel it. They receive it, learn it, and then hopefully pass it on. We have to start modeling it for our children, and teach them that violence is never the solution in any circumstance.”

NOW READ

Mercury Founder Tjin Lee On Why It's Important For Women To Uplift Each Other

Cheryl Han on Opening a Postpartum Clinic After Getting Retrenched

SCWO CEO Angel Chan on Overcoming Imposter Syndrome and Balancing Work, School, and Her Family

A resource for women to become their best selves, Front & Female celebrates trailblazers and tackles timely, provocative issues through inspiring content and events. Join the community by subscribing to our newsletter and following #frontandfemale