Cover Rubin Khoo talks about his parents marriage and the values they imparted
Rubin Khoo talks about his parents marriage and the values they imparted
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Growing up in a family of cultural contrasts, Rubin Khoo reflects on the unique dynamics of his parents’ marriage, the values they instilled, and the lasting impact of their union on him and his brothers
A ‘mixed’ marriage was quite rare in the 1960s. But I suppose when there aren’t many precedents, one gets to set their own rules. In terms of family dynamics, that automatically places the kids in a unique upbringing. For my two brothers and me, this was certainly the case. My parents came from very different cultures and thus appeared to have opposite views, but along the way, they adapted to each other and eventually came to be ‘Yin and Yang’.
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My mother, the traditionalist, tended to be concerned with “what people think”. We often teased this was due to her typical Ceylonese upbringing. My father had a free and easy attitude, with little regard for convention. My mother appeared to be strict, with the cane always within reach, but she could easily be cajoled. My father rarely dealt out punishments but was quite unyielding when you disappointed him.
As the law of physics dictates, when two opposing forces collide, ripples will be felt. As children, this laid the foundation for some interesting lessons to be learned.
Above Siblings Mavin Khoo, Rubin Khoo, Eddin Khoo, and parents, Tan Sri Khoo Kay Kim and Puan Sri Rathi
Siblings Mavin Khoo, Rubin Khoo, Eddin Khoo, and parents, Tan Sri Khoo Kay Kim and Puan Sri Rathi
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The obvious one stems from my parents coming together. My parents rarely talked about their romance, which often led us to ponder—how did a conventional young girl go against her family’s wishes to marry someone from another race? Theirs was a story that comprised music and lyrics, poetry and letters that allowed them to survive a long-distance relationship. From there, emerged our first lesson, which was to always follow our hearts.
“There is a picture of our parents that I am especially fond of; it is in Ipoh, where their wedding was held. As you know, it was quite a contrarian, mixed marriages then. They look like outlaws who have just had their marriage on the run. Our father looked defiant and cool, and our mother was just happy and beautiful against all the odds. That image always conveys a sense of freedom and independence, and the principle of standing by the right thing to do if your heart tells you so. This is perhaps the first lesson that I got from our parents,” says my older brother, Eddin Khoo.
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Resolving difficulties is never as uncomplicated, he says, but that principle was always something to stand by, and that helped pave the way, even if there were slight tensions about how to handle a situation.
My parents often talked about the early years of their marriage. They joked that during their first year, they had just two plates, two cups, and two pairs of forks and spoons. They didn’t even have a tray. It was only a year later, after a surprise visit from my aunt, during which they had to serve drinks without a tray, that they received one as a wedding gift.
Above Rubin says his parents often talked about the early years of their marriage
Rubin says his parents often talked about the early years of their marriage
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Despite these minimal beginnings, our parents, in the words of Eddin, had “grace, dignity and always a sense of style”. This is something that Eddin strives to abide by. He would admit that he is the most gruff of the three, with an explosive temper (though he has mellowed with age). But he has learnt to always respond with the “dignity, grace and style” that my parents were known for. Much like my father, he responds with wry humour or an intellectual fact that swiftly silences his opponents.
People assume that when you have educators as parents, the emphasis is on academic excellence. That was not the case for us. My parents adopted a philosophical view of education. My father, in particular, always pushed us to go against the norm. Instead, they instilled in us an idealistic view of the world, leading us to believe that, in the end, good will always triumph over evil. While we three have many faults—which my parents are also very aware of—we are soft at heart and are easily moved by the plight of others.
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“As I get older, I’ve realised that one of the biggest lessons that I have learned from my parents is the necessity to understand nuance and context to a situation—that circumstance is not black and white and that to have empathy, compassion, grace and dignity (qualities that my parents embodied always), one has to understand the pluralism of context in a situation,” says my younger brother, Mavin Khoo.
Mavin, the renowned dancer, is probably the personification of the things my parents valued—to pursue your passion, to age with dignity, and to not see the world in absolutes.
Above Mavin Khoo is probably the personification of his parents' values (Photo: Camilla Greenwell)
Above Eddin Khoo is especially fond of an old photo of his parents that conveys freedom and defiance
Mavin Khoo is probably the personification of his parents' values (Photo: Camilla Greenwell)
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My experience would be slightly different from my brothers. My teachings were acquired not just at home but at school as well. My mother was also my teacher and as a result, what I learnt from her wasn’t just personal but professional as well.
As an educator myself, I often reflect on her classroom management. Teaching at an all-boys school is not easy but she managed to do it. Her lessons were not confined to the syllabus but also how one presents themselves. Your shoes had to be white and your shirt crisp. I used to watch with amusement students using chalk to whiten their shoes before she entered the class. She has a strong passion for teaching, which I strive to emulate. At 80, she continues to teach, spends her evenings preparing for school work, and does it enthusiastically.
She is especially proud that of her three children, I am the only one to deliver “As” for Accounting, the subject she taught. One at SPM and the other at A-Level.
In terms of legacy, there can be no greater than having a road named after your father. The first time it struck me was when I heard my father’s name over Waze. Sometimes, when I am on the road, I stop at the lights and look up and see my father’s name. It may seem odd but it reassures me, as if he is looking at me.
Credits
Images: Rubin Khoo
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