‘Ask Me How It Works’ author Deepa Paul shares why longevity alone is not a measure of a marriage’s success

“Throughout our lives, I had these different moments, different milestones that revealed something in my identity or something new I wanted to explore,” Paul says. One of the most striking shifts that were explored in the memoir were the migration of Paul to Singapore after enduring four years of long-distance relationship with her husband, Marcus. Eventually, the book would focus on their decision to uproot their lives and start anew in Amsterdam, where they would eventually have their daughter, making motherhood as another pivotal moment for her.

“Being in a different culture exposed me to different influences and made me think, ‘Okay, there’s something here I’d want to explore,’” she recalls. “Ask Me How It Works is for all those people who are in relationships and can feel their identities shifting and are wondering, ‘Now that I’m like this... will they accept me for the person that I am?’”

Whether triggered by migration, motherhood or self-discovery, she posits that these milestones reveal new layers of who we are. The book addresses the terrifying search for validation, focusing on making a relationship work amid expansion of oneself rather than constriction.

In tackling the complexities of her marriage, it was clear that her husband has never let her feel insecure, invalidating the assumption that her exploration of intimacy and pleasure came from a crack in their marriage. On the contrary, the author and her husband sought ways to address their issues, leading the book into the deepening of how rigid rules do not work, but instead, agreements and compersion (Paul describes this in the book as a positive emotional response towards one’s partner’s joy with another lover).

“He doesn’t put rules on me that I can or cannot do this because he doesn’t own me. Likewise, he’s a consenting adult and I don’t own him. I think that in itself is already controversial to talk about,” Paul explains.

Instead, she and Marcus engaged in a process of articulating unspoken expectations inherited from their culture and families. For Paul, a healthy relationship is built on the ability of two adults communicating honestly about their needs and have the maturity to renegotiate boundaries as they grow.

Seeing how they, especially Marcus, struggled in the early years of their marriage as it gradually opened, the conversation inevitably turns to jealousy. Paul challenges the romanticised notion that jealousy is an indicator of deep love.

“Jealousy is an indication of fear,” she says. “The answer to jealousy is basically becoming secure of yourself and secure in the relationship, and we’re not really taught how to do that [as Filipinos].” By maintaining a marriage free of secrets, she feels secure in her unique contribution to the partnership, which diminishes the fear of being replaced.

A great part of the book delves into the couple’s journey into Europe’s techno music scene, the rise of online dating, sexual abuse and more, which though seemingly reflect how foolhardy their decision was at the beginning, it actually attests to the strength and malleability of their love for each other.

Navigating these shifts is particularly complex when parenting is involved. The couple opened their marriage when their daughter was only four years old. For around eight years, Paul balanced her roles by simply being authentic to herself in both spaces. She notes that her maternal skills—patience and warmth—are present in her relationship with her current boyfriend, Robert, while her playful and creative side remains vital to her family life.

When the book was acquired by Penguin UK in 2023 and later released by German and Dutch publishers, Paul knew it was time to sit down with her daughter and label the dynamics she has with Marcus and Robert. Because her daughter had lived in a stable, loving home for years, the revelation did not come as a shock.

For women held back by the fear of cultural or societal judgment, Paul’s advice is rooted in self-compassion: “Know that there’s nothing wrong with you.” She encourages seekers to “find the others”—trusted friends, online communities or even the safe spaces of “romantasy” literature—to find a window where they no longer feel shame.

“It all really boils down to the permission you give yourself,” she insists, quoting academic and podcaster Brené Brown that vulnerability is the antidote to shame.

Perhaps the most universal takeaway from Paul’s journey is the concept of non-monogamy of the self. She argues that her story is applicable to anyone wanting to make a commitment work without losing themselves—a particular challenge for women, she says, as they are wired to sacrifice their happiness for others. This internal non-monogamy involves exploring the different sides of one’s personality, whether through new careers, marathons or art.

“Allow yourself to explore all of those sides of you because they make you so much more... so much richer,” the Ask Me How It Works author says.

While the memoir explores her marriage and external partners, Paul is already looking towards a different kind of project. Shifting away from a traditional sequel, she is focusing on the “longest, most controversial and most transformative” relationship she’s had in her life, that is with her body.

Paul’s journey suggests that whether a relationship is monogamous or open, its validity is measured by the room it allows for each person to become “more and more of themselves... without sacrificing their identity on the altar of another’s needs.”

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