Ten Commandments

The movie theatre is a sacred place for some, so abide by these commandments to keep the  gods of cinema happy.

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Whether you call it the cinema, the theatre or that place I kill two hours every other week, you need to remember that for some people (like me), that place is church.

Even if you don’t believe in the celluloid god, you should take into account that the movie theatre is a public place and therefore some level of decorum applies. So just in case you are unaware of the belief by which us worshippers of the lord of light projection grew up with, allow me to enlighten you. (swipe through the commandments below)


1. Thou shall be on time.

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The time stated on your ticket isn’t negotiable, nor is it merely advisory. Even if there’s going to be twenty minutes of ads and trailers before the start of your movie, you should be in the theatre by then. Nothing is worse than having someone talking, flashing a light and then climbing over you to get to their seat ten minutes into a movie. If you’re not going to show up on time, then don’t show up at all. 


2. Thou shall sit in thy own seat.

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Your seat number is the other number on your ticket that isn’t there just for show. In some countries in the West, movie theatres practice a free-seating policy that usually means you have to show up much earlier and queue up. Thankfully, we live in a slightly more civilized jungle where you pay for your seat and your seat only. If the theatre is empty and you choose to move to another seat, the lord may forgive you, but never take someone else’s seat.


3. Thou shall not talk during the movie.

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I apologise if you don’t know what’s going on; I’m sorry if you don’t know who that one guy was, or what he said to the other guy, or why that woman slapped him; but talking in the theatre is a big NO. That also means the movie theatre is not the place to ask what’s for dinner, complain about the temperature, shout at the screen and express your undying love for your date and/or Brad Pitt. Wait till the lights come on, then speak to your heart’s content. 


4. Thou shall not turn on thy phone.

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It should be obvious that answering a phone call in the theatre is an unforgivable sin, but don’t even think about checking your text messages, emails, or current stock prices. In fact, don’t even turn your phone screen on. Turn your phone off, stick it in your pocket and give it a break. An average human’s eyes can only focus on one light source at a time, and in the theatre, the light from the goddess of the silver screen trumps your phone.


5. Thou shall eat and drink politely.

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The celluloid god is not a fan of food in the theatre, but allows it for the sake of his brother, the god of making-more-money. However, he frowns heavily on impolite eating. Chew quietly and stop sipping on the straw when there’s nothing left in the cup. Do not bring in food that has a strong smell; the theatre isn’t a cafeteria, so no burgers, nuggets and fries. Also, feed your popcorn to your mouth, not the lap of the stranger next to you.


6. Thou shall not go to the restroom.

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I can sympathise with you, but unless you’re sitting in the aisle, and can find your way in and out of the theatre without using the light from your phone and disturbing other audience members, you should stay in your seat because the god of cinema frowns upon missing parts of the movie. Also, you could end up breaking the third commandment when you return from the restroom. Your best bet: Stay away from those extra large ice-filled drinks. 


7. Thou shall take care of  thy children.

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Strict conservatives believe children shouldn’t even be allowed in the theatre, but we moderates feel the theatre should be open to all regardless of age as long as they can behave themselves. Keep your children in their seats and make sure they don’t break the third commandment. Don’t give them your phone, or they’ll break the fourth commandment. And certainly no icy drinks, or you both will end up breaking the sixth commandment. It’s best if you only take your child to children’s films where they will be entertained and engaged, and certainly never take them to a PG or 18 rated film, especially a late night show!


8. Thou shall not be inappropriate.

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Contrary to popular practice, the theatre is not a suitable place for a date. The god of making-more-money may have twisted some arms and introduced the infamous couples seat, but make no mistake, the theatre is not your dating ground. You are in a public space, so keep your hands to yourself and carry a jacket if you want to stay warm. If you need further convincing, think about this: if your boyfriend or girlfriend suggests date night at the movies, they probably don’t want to see your face or hear your voice for at least two hours.


9. Thou shall clean up after thyself.

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You brought that barrel of popcorn in with you, so take it back out. All the mess you leave behind takes time to clean up, and the longer it takes to do so, the longer the next viewing will have to wait before they can get in and take their seats. Also note, that before needing to clean up, you can just stay clean by not shovelling in more popcorn than your mouth can accommodate. Popcorn should go from bucket, to hand to mouth, and not bucket to everywhere-except-mouth.


10. Thou shall sit through the credits.

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The bald yellow deity, Homer Simpson once said: “A lot of people worked hard on this film, and all they ask is for you to memorize their names.” The last commandment is perhaps the least followed, but the father of film is forgiving for this one. As long as you leave the theatre having abided by the commandments before this, the gods of cinema will smile down upon thee.


(Photos source: IMDB)

Also on Film Friday: How Marvel Studios earned its throne.